


wild empty promises

by netherfriends



Series: don't stop or we'll die [1]
Category: DuckTales (Cartoon 2017)
Genre: Asexual Huey Duck, Dewey Duck Has ADHD, F/F, Gay Louie Duck, Louie Duck Needs a Hug, Louie Duck-centric, M/M, Misgendering, Nonbinary Dewey Duck, On Purpose, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, Sexual Harassment (off screen), Trans Louie Duck, Trans Violet Sabrewing (Disney), Transphobia, Underage Drinking, Underage Smoking, dark topics, the kids are all aged up, they get beat up for being transphobes, this is pretty dark so be warned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-17
Updated: 2020-10-18
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:02:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26601085
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/netherfriends/pseuds/netherfriends
Summary: I guess they call it the sophomore slumpAlways crying and always drunkA few dead more gone and the rest wellOn their way
Relationships: Lena (Disney: DuckTales)/Webby Vanderquack, Louie Duck/Original Male Character(s)
Series: don't stop or we'll die [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2021794
Comments: 2
Kudos: 20





	1. or is it just the medication running through my veins making things seem alright?

**Author's Note:**

> i strongly advise that you read the tags before reading this, although i wasnt able to include everything this is a pretty mature story (suicidal thoughts, underage smoking and drinking, lot of mentions of sex though none of the main beloved characters actually do it). everyone is aged up here so they will act like teenagers! (they're all either 15 or 16) be warned! also, maybe hints at asexual huey? 👀

Louie Duck was well aware of monsters, each and every kind. He was aware of the physical kind, the ones he and his family went off to fight on an adventure. Normally always big and scary, and quick to jump to violence. He knew about the monsters that lived inside of his head, whispering words of self-doubt and violence. They gave him nasty thoughts. And then he knew about the sweaty, sex-impulsed monsters at his school. Teenagers.

\--

Louie remembered when he was younger, maybe about 6 or so, Unca' Donald had mentioned that one day he and his brothers were gonna grow up and go to high school. Dewey had rambled about how he was going to be the coolest, and most everyone would love him. Huey seemed to be more enthusiastic about the concept of him growing up (and being taller too). But Louie? Well, he had wrapped his arms around himself with dread. In his mind, he pleaded that he would never grow up.

Dewey wasn't actually as popular as he had hoped, people mostly liked him because he was funny and played sports, and they all claimed that they liked him but they never did hang out with him. Huey turned out to not be the tallest (that belonged to Dewey actually, and even then he was still pretty short). Although he was still taller than Louie himself, he often complained about it.

And Louie? Well he got the worst thing of all,

he grew up.

\--

Sex wasn't something Louie had known about for a long time, way longer than Huey and Dewey. Huey knew about it (although more of in a info or science-y way) when he was about 12 because he was studying genetics. Dewey knew when he was 14 due to some of his more toxic "friends" talking about it a lot. But Louie had only known two months, 8 weeks and 3 days ago. The triplets had just turned 15 and when Scrooge had joked about using condoms Louie had blinked slowly before asking "what?"

Scrooge had thought it was hilarious that Louie didn't know even a single _thing_ about sex.

"How do ya think tha' babies are made!?" He had asked, crouching down from laughing too hard.

"I-I dunno!" And it was true, Louie didn't really ponder too much about things like that so he hadn't been really concerned. But now he was incredibly confused on what Unca' Scrooge was saying.

Scrooge had sat down with him and had had a "chat". Louie would've thrown up had his stomach be filled with any food, but he had lost his appetite years ago and had shrugged off eating so instead he had excused himself to dry heave in the bathroom.

Huey had been confused, "Never once did you even hear the word? No idea at all?" whiles Dewey had pretended that it was funny, his "little" bro didn't know. Louie could tell though that Dewey was as uncomfortable with sex as the rest of them were.

(Later, Dewey had stopped trying to be friends with the teens who always talked about sex. He was desperate, Louie knew, and it was just the way he was to need someone to pay attention to him, no matter how horrible they were. Huey had hugged Dewey tightly (even though Dewey often exclaimed that hugging was for weaklings, something most of the guys at their school say) and patted his hair because it was truly hard to make friends and he understood that.)

Lena had quirked an eyebrow at that and then awkwardly patted his back. "You were lucky, kid." 

Hell, even Webby knew! 

Most of the time, Louie wished that sex didn't exist.

-

He had never really experienced anything related to sex (except for that one time with Webby and Lena, ugh) until Jasper. Jasper was a short kid who was thin but fast and mighty strong, and most of the time smelled like smoke. He was harsh on everyone except for little kids (Louie knew why, he had met the boy's dad).

Jasper and Louie's relationship was complicated. Jasper knew he was gay, and Louie knew that Jasper was somewhere in between. And maybe sometimes they shared a smoke or their hands would somehow find themselves intertwined, or maybe Louie would put his hand in Jasper's hair and play with his curls to comfort him whenever his dad started being a jackass, but they had never spoken about it so it was remained as it was, a mystery.

But one night while Louie was starting to climb out of Jasper's window he had grabbed his wrist and Louie had stared, because they never did anything like that when it was obvious.

"I want to have sex." Louie had sat there, left leg halfway out the window and wrist grasped in Jasper's tiny rough hands. His brows furrowed together and his face flushed a striking red.

"Jasper. . ." Louie had climbed back into Jasper's room, eyes flitting over Jasper's nervous face. They had stood there for a moment, Louie's wrist still gently held by Jasper and the moonlight illuminating the room.

Louie had cleared his throat, "do you- do you really wanna have sex?" He didn't say what he was thinking ' _with me of all people?_ ' but Jasper could tell. His hand let go of Louie's wrist and he looked away.

"No."

\--

Louie didn't go to many parties, which was fine by him. Dewey only went because he forced himself to and Huey only tagged along sometimes so Dewey wouldn't do something stupid. Parties just really wasn't his thing, which was fine because who'd want to be in a room full of sweaty teens trying to grind against each other?

So Louie didn't know why he was here, at Timothy Haggins house, where the biggest party of the year was being held. Red solo cups littered the floor, as well as confetti and weird stains. Drunk teens were scattered all about, all dancing and being _tooloudtooloud-_

He had only come because Timothy had (reluctantly) come up to him and invited him to the party and if anyone said no to Timothy Haggins you were dead meat (and Louie was already teased enough, what with being so small and all) so adding the most popular kid in school to his lists of dangers was not something he had to think twice about.

A girl was being lifted by some guy (who were both obviously drunk) to the fan, to which she began putting red solo cups filled with alcohol on it. The other teens began chanting and once the girl was done someone turned on the fan and the alcohol flew across the room, splattering people. They were cheering but Louie stood there, quivering as the liquor dripped off of him.

It was too sticky and the noise everyone was making was starting to become a blob in his head, the teens bodies around him becoming hazy blurbs. He had made a strangled sound and then shoved his way past the crowd to make it to the backyard. He pushed through the door, letting out a gasp as fresh air enveloped him. He breathed in, hands shaking as he slumped onto the grass.

(The backyard was nice, with a good patio and a pool. Some people were scattered about but not enough to cause trouble. There was a half-finished treehouse and some tree swings and a trampoline. It was so goddamn _nice_.)

He took off his hoodie (something he never did, mind you), wearing only a tank top underneath. He had let out a trembling sigh and put his hoodie down next to him. He'd have to clean that later. God, he should never have come to this party. He subconsciously crossed his arms to hide his chest even though he had gotten top surgery a year or two ago. The scars on his chest normally calmed him down, reminding him that he was no longer trapped in that body.

Right now, all they did was remind him of who he had been.

A whimper shot out of his lips and he brought his hoodie onto his lap, alcohol be damned, and laid down on the grass, limbs sprawled out.

He breathed in the fresh air, eyes drifting to a shut, and faintly he thought he smelled smoke.

-

Turns out the reason he smelt smoke was because Jasper had come to pick him up. When he woke up, he was laying in the backseat of Jasper's dad's car while Jasper was in the front seat, eyes trained on the road. It was dirty in the car, plastic and wrappers and food containers scattered everywhere along with some newspaper and coupons. 

Louie rubbed the crust from his eyes, drawing closer to himself. He let out a soft yawn and drifted back to sleep. 

Jasper had snuck in to the triplets bedroom window and had gently placed Louie back into his bed, pulling the sheets over his chest. He pretended to tip his hat to a half-awake Huey before sneaking back out through the window. And if he got yelled at by his dad for stealing the car, Louie wouldn't know. Because Jasper had seen his friend curled up on the grass, the smell of alcohol rubbing off on him and then decided that he would do about anything for Louie Duck.

(Later that morning, Huey and Dewey had crowded around him while he was waiting for his hoodie to finish washing and asked him what happened at the party. Louie had yawned, fist under his chin as he stared out the window, " _just normal teenage stuff._ ")

\--

Being trans wasn't exactly something that he liked to talk about. Just looking at his scars made him a bit sick. That's why it was nice to have a friend like Violet, who was also trans.

Louie had noticed it years ago, when they had first met. Violet was purple, only male hummingbirds are purple. He hadn't said anything but they had locked eyes for a split second and it was like he was being stripped away, layer by layer.

Violet was pretty open about her being trans, mentioning it so casually so often that it was like she wasn't even scared about it.

(She was, everyone is.)

Louie couldn't even imagine doing that, yelling to the world " _I'm trans and you better respect me!_ " despite how much he wanted to. He doubts himself too much, and just the anxiety he would get would be overwhelming. That's why Louie said she was brave.

"Nonsense." She had muttered when he first said it, thumbing through a book idly with only a hint of interest.

"B-but you don't seem to even feel self-conscious or scared and you so casually say it! I could never.. _"_

Violet replaced that book with another before turning to stare at Louie. "Louie, of course I get scared or self-conscious. I feel anxious everytime I even mention it. But I know I have people who support me, so what does it matter what others think?" She grinned and patted him on the shoulder.

"Oh."

-

Violet was smart enough to skip a couple of grades and seemed to be speedy at everything. Typing, talking, reading, you name it. It was like she couldn't stop (in a way she really couldn't). It wasn't something that was really bothersome, although it did tick off kids from their school.

Louie knew Violet sometimes got teased, normally always about her intelligence. Violet said not to tell the teachers, as they wouldn't do shit about it and they were just a bunch of kids who didn't know nothin' so what was the fuss?

It was late, later than he normally left school. He had left drama club a couple of minutes ago (he was the tech booth guy, or at least that's what everyone calls him) and had been fumbling with his locker for a while before locking it. He had the worst locker, namely the one that didn't shut until after a couple of tries. He sighed and began walking down the hall, at least here no one was looking at him.

He turned the corner and was surprised to see Violet being cornered by two boys. They hadn't noticed him yet so he quickly hid behind the wall.

"Honestly, I dunno why you even **try** to fit in with them, ya freak. You'll always be a boy and having long hair and wearing makeup and shit ain't gonn' change that." Violet stared at them bored, though Louie could see her arms trembling and she was clutching her book way too tight.

"Ya, you freak!" They pushed her against the lockers and roared with laughter when her head banged and she fell to the floor. He couldn't take this, and before Louie could think up a plan his feet were already pushing him towards them though his mind was screaming, trying to tug him back because oh god, _he didn't have a plan, what was he doing, don't walk into the line of fire don'twalk in-_

"Sorry, what's going on here?" Louie leaned against the wall, putting up the act of being all casual.

The boys turned their heads to stare at him and Violet turned as well, mouthing a 'what are you doing' at him.

"Just teaching your little friend a lesson, _he_ could sure use one." He grinned, clearly pleased at what he was doing. Violet looked pissed and Louie was sure he looked the same way.

" _O_ kay, what the hell!?" Louie shot away from the wall, eyebrows furrowing together.

The boy stepped closer to Louie, making him take a step back. "Well, I think I-" he stopped and then got a shit-eating grin on his face. "Wait, you're one of the trannies too! _"_ He pushed Louie so that he was now on the ground, staring up at him. Now this was stupid, he was supposed to be helping Violet, not getting his face pound in by a transphobic moron.

The next few moments happened in a flash, Violet's arm came back and then her fist knocked right into the kid's face, making him fall to the ground. She was panting, a tiny bit of blood forming a crescent on her knuckle.

Louie's eyes widened, and he just stared and stared as blood began gushing out of his nose. The other boy yelped and immediately was at the boys side trying to stop the bleeding. Violet offered her hand and Louie took it, some of the blood wiping off onto him. He didn't mind. They walked out the doors and began heading back to the mansion. 

When Unca' Scrooge asked what took them so long Violet replied with a confident tone, "I punched a transphobe."

Scrooge smiled and looked up from his newspaper to wink at them, "Ay, that's how ya do it."

\--

It was a Saturday night, cold and windy. Louie had pulled Jasper's jacket closer around him while said boy lit a cigarette and then let it dangle from his lip while his mind whirled. He was only wearing a tank top and some pants but he didn't seem the least bit bothered. Jasper had said that was because his daddy locked him outside of the house a bunch, no matter what temperature. He said he had just gotten used to it over time so it didn't bother him so much.

Louie chuckled, "you just gonna let it run out?" Jasper rolled his eyes and then took a puff, passing it over to Louie. His eyes trained onto Jasper's mouth as the smoke drifted out. He felt his heart stutter, so he took a drag from the cigarette. It warmed his insides in a way that was different than when he was around Jasper. He let his eyes slip shut, sitting down on the roof of the supermarket. 

He could hear Jasper stomp out the cigarette and then sit down next to him. The cold air rustled his hair but a smile tugged on his lips nonetheless. He opened his eyes, Jasper was staring at him with a look on his face that Louie would almost categorize as _fondness_. 

Louie snorted, although his face flushed red, "what are ya looking at?"

To his surprise Jasper's hand went to cradle his cheek and he stared into his eyes with a cheesy smile on his face. 

"You."

A burst of red covered Louie's face and a pleasant warmth was quickly taking over his entire body and turning him into puddy with Jasper's hand still threading through his feathers.

" _G_ od, you're such a dork." Louie snorted, laying his head in his hands so that his blush wasn't visible. Jasper could still tell anyway, and he laughed.

"What, that too much for you, _darlin_ ' _._ " Louie groaned, smothering his face further into his hands.

"Stop it!"

 _"_ Aw, but I thought you liked it with how red your face is, _hun_. _"_

Louie pushed Jasper away from him with a sputter. Jasper was laughing loudly, sprawled over the roof of the supermarket with all of his gangly limbs. Louie groaned, the blush slowing dying from his face, and lay down next to the boy. A silence stretched between them, but it was comfortable enough. Louie's eyes traced over the scars covering Jasper's arm. He thought they were pretty, Jasper thought they were horrible.

After a moment, Jasper spoke up. "I lived with my Aunt Adelaine for a year once. The stars in the country are nicer than here in the city."

Louie hummed, idly tracing the scars with his finger. He could feel Jasper's breath catch but he didn't tell him to shove off so he didn't stop.

"Of course, Aunt Adelaine had me working me ass off day and night with all the crops and animals ya know? Ain't ever spent time with me, sometimes even forgot my name." Louie looked up, tracing over Jasper's face. His eyes were glazed as he stared up at the sky.

"Still, it was sure better than my daddy's, and whenever he hit me it hurt a lot less because of how tough I got." A tear dribbled down his cheek but it was Louie who wiped it off with the pad of his finger and then pressed a small kiss to the corner of his eye.

Jasper sighed and then turned to face Louie, their faces were only a couple inches apart. His eyes flitted to the others lips and Louie would be lying if he said he didn't really wanna kiss Jasper at that moment.

Then Jasper grumbled and sat up halfway, checking his watch.

"I best get going before my daddy notices I ain't there." They both stood up.

Louie chewed on his bottom beak, "oh wait! Your jacket!" He began to shrug it off but Jasper waved at him.

"Keep it hun, ya look good in it _._ " He then began his descent down the building before jumping off. He was already pretty much out of sight before his words registered in Louie's mind.

Despite himself, Louie smiled and pulled the jacket closer to him. 


	2. there's too many colors enough to drive all of us insane

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trash on the walls and trash on the floor  
> Liquid eyeliner stuck to the door  
> Screwing everything up and doing everything wrong  
> In my defense I wasn’t supposed to be around this long

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> topics of self-harm and depression. child abuse is a biggie here, but it's nice and fluffy in some parts but still with a hella lot of angst. slight warning of a off-writing sexual advance.

_"Now boy, what do you think you're doing?"_

_Jasper would've answered that question, but he had learned from last time that it wasn't actually something his daddy wanted to know. He shivered, hands gripping his shirt._

_"I thought I said not to sneak out no more." His father leaned closer, the smell of alcohol lingering on his breathe._

_"You ungrateful little **brat**!" A hand came back and slapped him across the face. He crumpled to the ground, suppressing his whimper. If it were any other person, say a kid at school or something, he would already be beating them up and throwing insults everywhere. But not to his daddy, oh no never. He would get his ass whooped for that._

_A boot pressed itself into Jasper's side and he let out a gasp._

_It dug deeper into his ribs and started to constrict his breathing. He let out strangled sounds, tears making their way down his face. Then suddenly the boot was gone and he was gasping for air._

_His daddy spit on him, "crying is for girls."_

\--

"You don't even know who your dad is?" Jasper stared at Louie, fingers holding his cigarette firm against his mouth.

"No."

Jasper snorted, "'tis for the best, ya know? At least he could be a horrible person and you wouldn't have to deal with it."

\--

"Do they hurt?" Louie's finger gently traced the scars on him as though they were important.

Jasper tried not to stiffen up at the touch. "Sometimes."

Louie nodded like he understood this.

\--

Louie didn't like himself a lot. He hated his body, how his hips jutted out in a feminine way and his body was curvy. He hated how weak he could be so sometimes, always so vulnerable and sad leaving his loved ones to clean up the shards of glass that belonged to him without getting cut.

He especially hated how selfish and greedy he got. They hadn't had much on the boat, not that he really minded, but _what if's_ almost always found their way into his head. He just wanted to have enough, to fill himself up so he wouldn't be empty no more. Sometimes he just couldn't see that the people he had around him could just so easily keep him from being empty.

Sometimes Louie hurt himself. Never with a knife no ( ~~he was never able to push hard enough, no matter how hard he tried~~ ) but mostly with his hands, maybe other things. When he was 14 he had acquired a piece of glass and had used it to make slices on his arms and legs. It was nice, it didn't feel good mind you, but as long as he could hurt himself somehow it was worth it.

He didn't really know why he did. He knew he did it because he wasn't happy with himself, that it felt good when it left a mark on him, but he didn't know _why_. _Why_ do it when so many people cared for him, when his life wasn't even that _bad_ , it befuddled his mind and left him spinning in circles searching for explanations.

_Why, why, why_

Dewey had caught himself once ( ~~more than once~~ ), it was late at night and Dewey had woken up because he had to go to the bathroom. He had opened the door to see Louie with a piece of glass (it was sharp, Louie had made sure it was), his arm covered with cuts.

There had been silence before Dewey had took a step forward, "Louie..."

Louie jerked back, clutching the piece of glass closer to himself. Dewey reached forward to try and take the piece of glass from him but Louie tugged harder on it. He couldn't- he couldn't let it go, why couldn't Dewey see that-?

"Ow!"

Shit, oh god no.

Dewey cradled his hand, stepping back from Louie as he looked at the new bite shape on his hand. Louie's eyes widened and he went and punched his head. God, he hurt Dewey he hurt Dewey he _hurt_ -

"Louie, hey, it's fine buddy it doesn't even hurt-" Dewey crouched down to try and reassure Louie but he just let out a whimper.

"No, no! I hurt you! I- I hurt you..." Louie's panicked shouts turned softer and he buried his crying face into his knees. Dewey scooted next to Louie, pressing his body ever so slightly against Louie so that he would know that he was here for him. Louie had dropped the piece of glass but Dewey didn't pick it up.

After what seemed like hours but was really only a couple of minutes, Louie looked back up at Dewey. He wiped his hoodie sleeve on his eyes to dry his tears. His face was all red.

"Hey bro, what's up? You don't have to tell me why you were doing," he gestured to the cuts on Louie's arm, "but just- talk to me."

Louie laid his head on Dewey arm, eyes closing.

"I don't know. I just- there were all these negative thoughts in my head telling myself that I was so ugly and stupid and a horrible person and I guess I-" Louie took a breathe, tears pricking at his eyes. Dewey didn't interrupt, but instead squeezed Louie's hand gently so that he would know that he didn't have to keep going. After a moment, Louie finally began again.

"I had just picked up the piece of glass and before I knew it there were all these cuts over my arms _._ " Dewey stared at the marks on Louie's arm, wishing he could just kiss them goodbye like he had when he was younger.

"Is it bad? That I don't regret it?" 

"Yeah."

Louie groaned, rubbing at his eyes again. "Fuck."

"Language." Dewey added in without a second thought. 

Louie snorted, "dude, you sound like Unca' Donald."

"The holy curse!" Dewey shook a fist to the ceiling more than pleased when it made Louie laugh.

"But in all seriousness, I'm gonna help. We're all gonna help. Not all at once okay? But like, baby steps." Louie nodded, curling into his hoodie.

"Baby steps? You los..er..." A couple seconds later and Louie was sound asleep. Dewey stifled a laugh and took a couple of pictures before bringing Louie back to bed. 

\--

"Thanks Lena." Huey nodded at the older girl. 

She nodded at him, "anytime, kid."

Huey watched her pull out of the driveway before turning to Louie. His voice softened, "just stay out here, I'll get Dewey in just a couple minutes _._ "

Louie nodded, eyes cast downward.

"Alright." Huey patted his shoulder gently before turning around and marching inside of the house. Dewey had been forced into going to another party and hadn't been home for hours and so Huey had decided to go get him. It wasn't a unusual situation.

(Although whenever this happened he and Huey looked at each other with the same thought in mind. By god did they wish that Dewey didn't make so many horrible "friends". But Dewey needed to do it, he _needed_ to be liked by everyone. No wait, he needed to be _loved_ by everyone.)

Louie avoided eye contact for any of the teens lingering outside and instead waited for Huey.

And waited.

And waited.

And waited, and waited, and waited until it seemed as though he had been there for hours.

(He had only been there for 23 minutes, 15 seconds and counting actually.)

Louie took a deep breathe and turned towards the house with a less determined face then he would've liked. Instead of walking inside confidently he more stumbled inside while trying to be in the shadows. (Which was Lena's job by the way.)

He avoided touching anyone, but still ended up smashing into some people. His eyes scanned the place until they caught onto the blue jacket that belonged to Dewey. He quickly made his way over to Dewey, hoping that Huey would be with him and that they were just held up talking or something. But when Louie approached Dewey, Huey was nowhere in sight.

"Dewey? Where's Huey? He was supposed to be getting you." Dewey turned to Louie, eyes widening a bit and then his face turned into confusion.

"Huey? I haven't seen him at all." A panicked expression overtook Dewey and now he was desperately turning around and around to try and spot Huey in the crowd. All that Louie could see were blurbs of color mixing together.

Dewey took Louie's hand, firmly but still gently enough that it didn't make Louie panic and he could ground himself. Louie knew that Dewey would rather prefer that he be outside the house, away from the party. And really, Louie wanted to be away too. But he didn't know what had happened to Huey and there was no way in hell that he was leaving without Huey.

"Come on," Dewey led him through the house, both trying to spot their brother's red cap in the crowd. Dewey made sure that Louie didn't get lost and he was grateful, with the crowd pushing in on him too.

Wait, could it be-?

Louie tugged Dewey's hand and squinted into where he thought he saw a flash of red. His eyes widened when he caught onto the sight of Huey. Dewey seemed to have noticed him too and was already making his way over to the secluded corner that Huey was in, Louie in toe. 

When they caught up to him, Dewey asking a barrage of questions, Louie noticed the shake in Huey's hands. The way that he kept shifting his feet and looking around as though trying to keep away from someone. He seemed overwhelmed by all the questions thrown his way and Dewey, seemingly realized this, stopped his tornado of questions and just asked one question in a gentle voice.

"What happened? Louie said you were coming to get me."

Huey's eyes widened slightly and he shoved his head into his arm, making his next words muffled. Now this was concerning. Louie touched Huey's arm gently, trying to coax him away.

Dewey looked around, at the blinding lights and pounding music, and decided that they should get out of here. He put his arms around his brothers, making sure that they didn't get separated from him, and led them outside. Huey pressed himself against Dewey's side, looking more small than ever. Normally he wouldn't do this, normally he would say that he could manage on his own and that he was the "eldest".

Things haven't been normal in a while.

When they were outside, away from the pushing people and loud music that gave him a headache.

Gently, ever so gently, Dewey coaxed Huey into looking up, and it hurt to see that he was crying.

Dewey didn't need to repeat his question from earlier, it was obvious that Huey was trying to find a way to explain.

"She- she touched me.." It was a mumble, almost swept away by the wind if it wasn't already so silent. Louie immediately developed a face of anger, and he could tell that Dewey had a similar reaction.

"She- she came up to me, and she was all touchy. I told her to stop but she-" he sucked in a shaky breath, "she didn't stop and it was too much-" Dewey pulled Huey into his chest, seemingly not even minding that Huey's tears were soaking his shirt. Louie held Huey's hand, hoping that it would be enough of a reassurance. 

Huey didn't deserve this, he didn't deserve anything like that. Huey who always made sure to get his brothers up on time but when he noticed that they weren't doing well would let them sleep in, and then would come back later with some hot cocoa and a comforting presence. Huey who always had checklists and plans but when things went off on their own way, he would suddenly drop all that and become someone who wasn't the robot that everyone always said he was.

(" _I'm not a robot, I'm not-_ " Huey had babbled to him one night, waving his hands animatedly. And it's true, Huey wasn't a robot. In fact, he was far from that. He may have checklists and like things to be done perfectly and in the way it said but that didn't mean he was a robot. Far from it. In fact, Huey was the always suggesting to go off course from what had been planned, to try something different. He was the most expressive person Louie had ever met.

" _Of course not, why would you be?_ " Louie reassured him.)

In that night, under the sky that didn't twinkle with stars as it would've on the houseboat, the triplets joined together as though they were one.

\--

Louie played with Jasper's hair idly, his free hand dangling freely in Jasper's. Jasper had that twinkle in his eyes, the one that he normally didn't get because his dad always snuffed it out of him. It looked so pretty in his eyes.

He was talking about that one time he had caught a fish with his hands instead of his own hands and it was so _stupid_ but Louie found that anything that Jasper said he was instantly drawn to like a moth to a flame.

His heart stuttered every time Jasper directed that soft smile at him, his eyes crinkling around the edges. Louie was always pleased to see that because of him the duck had more laugh lines then frown lines now.

"Are you even listening?"

Louie started to stammer out a response but closed his mouth when he saw that Jasper was laughing, a bit of mirth appearing in his hazel eyes. They had specks of green and blue in them, swirling together like cosmos. He wanted to swear, his heart threatening to claw out from inside of him.

"'Tis fine, I know I can be a bit boring."

"What? No, no! You're just really cute!" Ah, shit.

Jasper raised an eyebrow, "oh?"

Louie hid his face in his hands, hoping to hide his embarrassment. He tried to get away from the other duck but Jasper just wrapped him in an embrace, basically pulling him into his lap.

This was beyond embarrassing, this was even beyond humiliating. Louie was sure that his face was on fire, and by the smirk on Jasper's face he was even more sure of that.

Jasper's face softened though and there was the twinkle in his eyes, directed towards him even though Louie wasn't anything special, and he was beyond sure that Jasper didn't return his feelings.

Or at least he _was_.

" _God_ , I love you." Everything froze and those words settled in the air. It wasn't like they hadn't said that they had loved each other, but it had been with a platonic playfulness. _Purely_ platonic.

But this, there was no mistaking the underlining. The raw emotion that was hidden in the corners of the words that managed to shine out so _clearly_. Louie scrambled off Jasper's lap even though all he wanted to do was kiss Jasper.

Jasper, well, he had never looked like this. So panicked, like he had done something wrong. Like those words hadn't meant to come out.

"Lou, I'm- I'm so sorry, please can we pretend that that never happened? God, I-" He stood up, running a hand through his hair. He looked frazzled. 

Louie just stood there, trembling, the words he so desperately wanted to say just on the tip of his tongue. So why couldn't he just _say it_!?

"We can't pretend that it didn't happen!" Louie shouted, and he didn't mean for it to sound like that. With so much emotion, so much that it seemed as though it was leaking through his eyes. Oh wait, that was just his tears.

"Lou-" Jasper's eyes softened and he reached towards Louie, but then after some hesitation drew back as though he shouldn't have. Louie wanted to yell, _no please, don't draw back, please I need you please-_

"I love you, and you just said it back and you just- you want to just forget about it!? I- _Jasper_ -" Louie wiped his tears on his sleeve and backed away when Jasper took a step forward. Away from him.

Jasper reached forward, hesitantly and slowly, leaving Louie a chance to run away. He didn't.

He swiped a thumb over Louie's face, wiping away a stray tear. His thumb lingered, before staying put on his face. Jasper came closer, his hand moving to cup Louie's cheek.

"Wha-" Jasper shushed him gently, with a steady look, although Louie could tell that he was close to cracking. He stayed silent, waiting for Jasper to continue.

"Louie, I- I do love you. And I really, _really_ don't want to forget what just happened. I've loved you for a while I just- couldn't find it in myself to say anything in case you didn't love me back. But, apparently you do and-"

"Wait, you do love me back right?" Louie almost laughed.

" _Yes_. So much." Louie tried to put as much emotion into his words as possible, trying to convey his feelings just through those words.

Jasper chuckled weakly, "okay, otherwise this would be awkward. But uh, can I- can I kiss you? Please?"

Louie was a mess of emotions, like a bunch of different color Play-Doh's mashed together. He could only nod, and then Jasper was capturing him in a kiss. It was gentle, and inexperienced, but it was perfect. Even though they were both fumbling around, trying to find out what to do, Louie couldn't help but think this was the best moment in his life. Finally, his hands slipped into Jasper's hair, and the kiss eased into something more comfortable before they both broke away.

Louie didn't let go of him, wanted to savor this moment for as long as possible.

"Damn, your family doesn't even know I exist." Louie scrunched up his face at the thought of introducing Jasper to his family. 

"We can tell them later." Louie tried to get impossibly closer to the other duck in front of him, even though they were practically connected at this point.

Jasper laughed, and it was breezy and so sweet and Louie loved it.

Louie kissed him again, and although it didn't feel like fireworks, it felt like home.

\--

Dewey had said baby steps, and he wasn't lying. It was hard to get used to, not being able to cut himself as an outlet, trying to fight the urge, but it was working. Slowly. Whenever Louie felt the urge to, clawing at him from the inside, he'd call Dewey or Huey, hell even Jasper. They would reassure him, hold him closer, they wouldn't mind him crying or ranting, even if it was about stuff that Louie thought was stupid.

Slowly, his scars started fading from fresh to old.

Slowly, he learned to fight off the monsters clouding his thoughts.

Slowly, he was learning to be okay.

His family didn't mind, they were as caring as ever. Whenever he came downstairs wearing an over sized sweater to hide himself even though it was hot out they would help. It was different with everyone, with Dewey, they would go out. No matter what time of day, they would go to Rocket's and get milkshakes or ice cream or whatever they were in the mood for. They would sit on the bench right underneath the blinking broken neon sign and make up stories about the people who were walking around.

With Huey, they would go up on the roof, and just talk. Huey would talk about anything, and it would take Louie's mind off of his insecurities. Louie would listen, although absentmindedly, and it would stretch into hours before they came back inside.

Webby would sit down with him in the attic and they would just make things. Webby had a lot of supplies, and they could use it to craft about anything. Bracelets were something of his favorite, ever since Webby had taught him how to. The growing bracelets on his arms were a nice think to look at, and he only ever took them off when he took a shower.

Lena, on the rare occasion, would go into the kitchen with him and bake muffins. She said they were the best since Beakley had showed her how to make them. And with the smell of dough in the air and the small smiles it was good enough.

Uncle Donald would bring him to the beach. Uncle Donald always said that it helped him when he was upset and Louie had started associating the ocean with Donald. Comfort, and home. They would buy the fries from the little shop by the boardwalk, they were always coated with salt and grease. And they would eat them right next to the sea, feet dangling off the edge of the wooden planks. And Louie would talk about his worries and stresses, and when he was all tired Uncle Donald would hold him close and sing his mother's lullaby, which he associated more with Uncle Donald now.

Jasper was there most often, normally wandering around the house after he had been formally introduced to his family. (As his _boyfriend_.) He would hold him close, normally in Louie's bedroom, and whisper sweet nothings in his ear. And they would fall asleep like that, impossibly close as though they were the only ones left in the world. 

And Louie wasn't okay yet. Whenever he saw his scars, fading yes but still there, he still felt like vomiting. Every once in a while he had the urge to bring something sharp to his skin, to ruin all the progress he had made to getting here. To not being suicidal anymore, and no longer having red be the only color he saw. The only difference is that he didn't want to anymore. He no longer felt like this was the only way. Now, there were people who knew and cared and would be there for him, even when he wasn't there for himself.

He's just started living, and he isn't about to give up now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i had a LOT of fun writing this! although it definitely was one of my darker fics i adore it with all my heart. each time i wrote it felt like i was actually in the world, seeing this happen. anyway, this isn't the end. i really like how i changed the characters in this au and i really want to explore that so i will be making more works connected to this universe so if you liked this then there will be more!


End file.
